Our opinion of arguments is often influenced by the degree to which we see those we are arguing with as attractive. Generally, the more attractive we find someone, the more persuasive their arguments seem, all other things being equal. If the persuasiveness of an argument corresponds with attractiveness, then we can rank philosophers, a group of people known for making arguments, by their attractiveness. It follows that a ranking of philosophers by attractiveness also estimates the relative degree to which their attractiveness makes us more or less amenable to their arguments. Judging the degree to which we find a philosopher attractive helps us determine the extent of bias in our judgment of their arguments. Without doing such an evaluation, we may be persuaded by attractiveness without our knowledge. If we are concerned with the truth and falsity of a philosopher’s positions, and the philosopher’s attractiveness can alter how we view their positions’ veracity, it follows that we must consider the degree to which their attractiveness affects our judgments of their arguments if we are to be accurate judges. In order to compare philosopher attractiveness, we must compare philosophers. This amounts to a ranking of philosopher attractiveness. Thus, it follows that in order to be unbiased judges of philosophical positions, we must rank the philosophers who espouse said positions by their attractiveness. Here are my top five.
5) Ludwig Wittgenstein
Everyone knows this exquisitely German demeanor. Wittgenstein is a handsome man! With dark wavy hair, a brooding brow, and classic early 20th century style, the author of the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus and Philosophical Investigations sets hearts aflame even 70 years after his passing. He also made big statements in his career, like his proclamation that “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent” at the conclusion of the Tractatus. Frankly, overarching statements that seem to consume all of philosophy and answer all questions as to how to think and act quell my grotesque need for certainty, so I love that stuff. His intense physical beauty and incisive intellect are traits that put Wittgenstein in my top five, and we will surely see these characteristics again in these rankings.
4) Plato
This hunk is the daddy of Western philosophy. If you’re not already aware, Plato is supposedly a nickname that means “broad,” a nickname which surely matches his physique. Plato was not only a powerful intellect but a powerful wrestler as well. And that beard! If there is a world of forms, one would be hard-pressed to find a philosopher who better approximates the ideally attractive intellectual than Plato.
3) Simone de Beauvoir
I’m a sucker for the French, I admit it, but it’s impossible not to recognize the immense beauty of a woman who tied Jean-Paul Sartre on the agrégation, contributed so much to Existentialist thought, and revolutionized feminism and gender theory. A romantic-intellectual relationship like the one she had with Sartre is the dream of many intellectuals, at least on the face of such a relationship. Beauvoir was also a successful novelist, not unlike other contemporary French philosophically-oriented writers. This supreme success and her head scarves mean that Simone de Beauvoir is number three on my list.
2) Albert Camus
If it weren’t for number one on this list, Camus would undeniably be the hottest philosopher of all-time. The hair, the style modeled after James Dean, the suave body language; Camus is leagues above other philosophers on the attractiveness scale. He marks a hard distinction between hot philosophers and those who are attractive no matter the comparison. He had a cat named “Cigarette.” That’s hot. He was a staunch supporter of individual freedom. Hot. A philosopher, novelist, playwright, journalist; hot, hot, hot, and HOT. A large portion of this dude’s modern following is due simply to his attractiveness, and another large portion is due to his ability to speak to fundamental modern problems – like the Absurd – which is hot. Camus is probably the only philosopher who would be on everyone’s top five list, but he still isn’t the hottest…
1) Georg Wilhelm Friederich Hegel
Honestly, the above image alone should be enough to convince you that Hegel is the hottest philosopher of all-time. But if not, then also consider that he wrote the Phenomenology of Spirit, a book which has absolutely zero detractors and is 100% true. Hegel might not be the end of history, but he is the culmination all philosophical attractiveness has sought since the beginning of history.
Honorable Mention: Schopy
LOVE THIS! Also believe the reverse is true. If we didn't know what the philosopher looked like ahead of connecting to their works, those we most appreciate would be more physically attractive to us once we view their appearance. Even the categorically unattractive are more "cute," or "quirky," or "there's just something about him/her" if you are already attracted to their minds.